Underneath is a collection of adapted texts I’ve found and gathered online concerning female-led relationships. When this adventure first started, I felt I needed something tangible to show my girlfriend, something she could read on her own to help her better understand my thoughts and ideas regarding a more female-led relationship. The problem with most of the content I found online was that it didn’t sum up the whole thing nicely for me. I found lots of interesting articles on specific aspects of living a more female-led relationship, but nothing that seemed to connect all the dots. This was my attempt to connect all the dots and make sense of it all. It worked like a charm, and opened up the way to having our first proper discussions on the matter. I’m posting it here, ‘cos maybe it’ll help some of you engage in a more open discussion with your partner concerning some of the in’s and out’s of a more female-led relationship…No pun intended ;-).
An introduction to female-led relationships
Traditional spousal roles include a dominant male and a submissive female. These roles have been changing so that men and women have a more egalitarian relationship. However, some couples enjoy a relationship in which the woman is more dominant than the man. In order for this to work, both parties need to agree it’s what they want. The dominant female differs from a dominatrix as the role is expanded to include all areas of the relationship, not just the sexual aspects.
A basic guideline
- Talk to your man about the role you want, or he wants you to take as a dominant woman. Some men suggest this role because they find it more alluring or comfortable; others are open to it as a way to add some spice to the relationship on a part-time or, in some cases, full-time basis. Find out what you both want from the relationship and what the comfort zones are as far as dominance.
- Make a list of the areas you want to dominate. This can include things like household chores, sexual relations or controlling how free time is spent. Approach your man with the list to see if these areas are agreeable to him.
- Take the initiative in these areas. Tell your man what chores to do and when to do them, how he will spend time on his days off and what you expect in the bedroom. Some dominant women expand the dominance in the bedroom to include submissive positions and things like bondage equipment, but this up to the comfort level of both parties.
Training your man to adapt to a female-led relationship
As mentioned above, in order to train your man you will need to establish an agreement of the things you want him to learn, the rules you want him to practice and eventually stick to. Unless your only ambition is part-time bedroom play, if you have no ‘female led relationship’ agreement or relationship strategy you are not ready for training or creating profound changes in your relationship. Fact is, the more you demand, the more you will eventually receive. Your regular and playful, but firm acknowledgement of him as the submissive party in your relationship will very quickly encourage your man to become far more service-oriented than you could ever have imagined.
It must be said that beginners to this lifestyle often struggle most with the following dilemma: what you want your man to learn in your female led relationship and what he wants to learn are very different. In all likelihood, you want him to learn to overcome his bad habits, work independently, take a little more initiative around the house, find fulfillment in growing, gain confidence in your leadership and participate as your supportive follower. He primarily wants to learn how to serve your body, obey your commands, please you sexually, humble himself and learn what it is like to surrender. Because of the difference and size of the task at hand you must choose your personal targets and accompanying rules for him wisely.
As with all things, the middle ground is often found through compromise. If you want his undivided attention, and pampering, then you’ll need to play into his fantasy. He will love it, and you will get better results. Make it your first goal to find out what motivates him, his innermost sexual fantasies,…and use this information to tease and arouse him, edging him on further towards serving you unconditionally and accepting a more female led relationship. Chances are, he was the one who showed initial interest, and suggested to you a possible change in lifestyle, one that strokes his fantasies and is more than just bedroom play. In this particular fantasy of his you can safely assume that:
- He wants you to exert power over him including humiliation and punishment of some sort.
- He wants your interest and participation level to be high and for you to show confidence and make demands.
- He wants you to control sex and his orgasm, often including fantasies of fetish sex, props and costumes.
- He has a willingness to give up control to you.
- He has a high interest in your body and in serving you as a woman.
Although no doubt overwhelming and possibly confusing at first, receiving such unbridled and enthusiastic attention from your man quickly becomes not only fun, but incredibly addictive. It is a fact that almost all women entering this lifestyle quickly see the rewards, and claim they would never choose to go back to the way things used to be in their relationships with their man. With a little variation and planning, you can enjoy rich personal pleasures from the man you love while playing into his fantasy. The trick to training him and keeping him motivated consists of two elements; a degree of orgasm management on your behalf to ensure his masturbating doesn’t lock him into a constant state of sexual/emotional indifference, and a regular dose of teasing to keep his sexual energy’s flowing.
Let’s deal with the first point, orgasm management, often referred to or associated with chastity.
Chastity – An important key to a female-led relationship
It is a commonplace observation that men tend to be sexually wanton. Left to their own devices men will opt for multiple partners, spreading their “seed” as widely as possible. Sex is quick, often brutal, and focused on a single goal - ejaculation. Ejaculation leaves men depleted and often out of sorts. They lose their focus on their partner or the image that prompted their masturbatory fantasy. The biological and emotional signals seem to be for the male to leave after ejaculation and begin searching for his next sex partner. No wonder women are so often dissatisfied with their male partners…
Female-led relationships require the male to overcome this biological predisposition and the cultural conditioning that reinforces it. Female-led relationships require the male to find ultimate pleasure in his partner’s pleasure, rather than subordinating her pleasure to his own. This reorientation is a profound challenge for a male, one that no doubt accounts for the low (but growing) percentage of female-led relationships.
A program of chastity is the best way for men to reorient themselves so they are suitable for a female-led relationship. By chastity I mean that the male in a relationship does not have an orgasm unless it is in the presence and/or with the permission of his partner.
Some women and their partners prefer that the man maintain chastity through self-discipline. Others prefer the idea of using a chastity belt to enforce their chastity. There is no one right way to practice chastity, but most agree that a man who practices chastity is expressing profound respect for their partner and women generally. Many speak of their chastity as being a gift of their sex and their sexual energy to their female superior and the superior sex of which she is a part.
For a man who is used to unrestricted masturbation, chastity is a profound challenge. Yet, chastity is a challenge well worth undertaking because it can help lead to a transformation of a man’s relationship with his partner. Almost every account of a chastity regimen notes that the man becomes much more attentive to the needs of his partner, serving her better both sexually and in a myriad of other ways that are pleasing to her. The many religious traditions that use chastity/abstinence as a key element of their spiritual practice and service orientation are definitely onto something.
Resolve to restrict his orgasms to situations where he has first given you ample pleasure in some way, be it sexual or otherwise. If his need to masturbate is simply too overwhelming, as is often the case, encourage/command him to practice masturbating to the edge of orgasm and then stop.
In some female-led relationships the male may even be asked to occasionally provide sexual service with his penis while foregoing his own orgasm, a profound mental and physical challenge. Other female-led relationships will be oriented so the chastised male will more often than not provide sexual service in every way except by using his penis. Ultimately, it is for you to decide how best to weave chastity into your relationship. What is important to understand, however, is that chastity is one great way to keep your submissive man feeling and expressing his submissiveness to you.
The importance of teasing
As touched upon before, a vital step to driving your man wild, and controlling or influencing his behavior lies in understanding and knowing what he envisions or wants in his fantasies. It really can’t be understated how crucial it is to have at least some notion about what your man fantasizes about sexually, so try not to shy away from discussing this as openly as possible with him. At this point, it’s fair to say he has an outspoken fantasy to be sexually dominated in some way by a confident, powerful female, but how, and in what way exactly? Hereunder are some of the more popular female domination themes your man may harbor spoken or unspoken fantasies about.
Popular ‘female domination’ themes:
- Dominatrix (Also called a ‘domme’ – a women who takes the dominant role in bondage, discipline and sadomasochism (deriving of pleasure from submitting to physical or emotional abuse))
- Flogging (Also called whipping or caning)
- T&D (‘Tease and denial’ - used to describe any technique that involves the sexual stimulation of a male to cause intense arousal without climax)
- Pegging (A sexual practice in which a woman penetrates a man’s anus with a strap-on dildo)
- Forced feminization (Also known as ‘sissification’ - the practice of switching the gender role of a male submissive, usually achieved through cross-dressing, where the male is dressed in female attire, ranging from just wearing female undergarments to being fully dressed in very feminine attire and make-up)
- Golden showers (A paraphilia in which sexual excitement is associated with the sight or thought of urine or urination)
- Cum curious (A fetish whereby the male is forced after orgasm to clean up and swallow his seminal fluid)
- Forced chastity (A beltlike device designed to prevent masturbation or sexual intercourse)
- Cuckolding (A fetish describing a man’s desire to observe his partner have sex with another man)
- Bondage (The state of one who is bound as a slave)
- Cock and ball torture (Also called ‘ball busting’ - a sexual activity involving torture of the male genitals)
- Face sitting (Also known as ‘queening’ – female sits on or over the males face, typically to allow or force oral-genital or oral-anal contact)
- Wax play (Hot wax usually dripped from candles or ladled onto a person’s naked skin)
- Ruined orgasm (Stimulation is provided to the moment orgasm is inevitable, and then stopped by breaking all physical contact with the genitals just as orgasm begins)
In any case, whether you choose to actually act out some of his fantasies or not is entirely up to you. Often merely suggesting to your man that his fantasies may one day become a reality is all that is needed to get the desired result. What is important to understand though, is that he will be far more fulfilled and far more eager to please your every desire if you are in on his ‘dirty little secrets’. Do not underestimate the value of being able to tap into what sexually arouses your man. Some of his fantasies may well be too personal or embarrassing for him to share with you, in that case, playfully invite or, when aroused, order him to write some of them down and send them to you. Perhaps you already know a few of his fantasies. Do not judge him for what he fantasizes about. He really can’t help it, it’s simply the way your man happens to be hardwired. What you want to do is inject yourself into his fantasies. You want to know what turns him on the most so that you can use that information to exercise even more control and influence over him.
The bottom line is if the sexual energy he derives from his sexual fantasies is not somehow channeled through you, he will find other ways to feed his curiosity or hunger so why not indulge and play along? It’s about not only learning to tease him physically, but mentally as well. It is after all through his mind that you will have the most influence in changing his attitude and behavior towards accepting and embracing a more female led relationship. Remember too that expressing the secrets in his soul is something painfully difficult to do without the assurance that the woman on the other side of the relationship will accept it and value it as a treasured gift. Value and cherish the trust he is willingly placing in your hands.
It’s all about who??
In closing, let me share with you one last thought. The foundation of female authority within a female-led-relationship calls for her to dominate the male, and for him to worship, serve and submit to her. However by definition, in order for the female to dominate, she must have someone over whom she can wield her authority. Think of a planet populated with dominant women only, and no submissive males. When everyone is dominant, no one is dominant; without worker bees, there can be no queen bee. The presence of a submissive male is what bestows upon the female her opportunity to dominate. Ultimately then, female domination can never be truly ALL about the female. Rather, it is about the female being dominant as seen through the eyes of a male who acknowledges her superiority and derives pleasure and a personal fulfillment by worshipping and submitting to her authority. Both halves of a female-led-relationship are therefore equally important, with each empowering the other in their respective roles. Each experiences emotional and physical rewards that feed from the other. It is Yin and Yang. It is a classic symbiotic relationship for which Mother Nature is so well known.
Good luck and HAVE FUN!
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